I’ve been having a hard time finding much to be happy about these days. Maybe it’s a sign of the times. Maybe satisfaction is relative, considering other times and similar situations where you weren’t satisfied you can achieve a level of satisfaction by comparing how you felt in other experiences. If I were to use that as my starting point, I’d say I’m not satisfied. It seems the cancer took more out of me than I had originally thought.
I’m not finding the things that once kept my interest, well, holding my interest. I find myself digging deeper into hobbies. I went from just playing airsoft to building my own guns, and by building I mean stripping it all the way down, polishing, rewiring, and repairing. I spend hours in the garage with my soldering iron and my screwdriver. I fix toys for fun, then sell those toys to buy other toys, and fix them. It’s a vicious (and expensive) cycle.
My work, however, doesn’t seem all that interesting. Turns out there is no one happy there either, so that only adds to my displeasure. The tank of compassion that I draw from to get through my day has run dry, probably drained in the cancer fight. I find myself far less tolerant of early morning calls for mundane complaints that everyone else just waits to see a doctor. I usually refill it by spending time with people that are as passionate as I am but seeing as how money is tight, I’m not going anywhere for a little bit.
All I really want it some security and some peace. News recently is that the city plans to annex the area that I live in, even though money is tight and services that are already stretched to their limits will be stretched even further. This does not bode well in my mind because it’s me they’re talking about me and my property and my family. The city does not have a good track record. Without the security and stability, there is no peace. I’m restless.
Is this what being burnt out feels like, or is this just part of the human condition?